i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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