Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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