You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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