So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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