I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
