omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
