i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Four minutes until I can fart!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
