wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
whose ass print is on the piano?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
