my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Randomize
