so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
