Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
