I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
