I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
