This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
