Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
