I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
