Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
