So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
