he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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