I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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