dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
