We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
