the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You ruined the universe
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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