girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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