got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Rumble strips road head = magical
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
