We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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