I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
