last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
me + whiskey = a bad person
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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