So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
