Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
