I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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