Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
