Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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