if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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