I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
