i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Found the puke drawer
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
