Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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