You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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