omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
