I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
