No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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