I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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