i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
