omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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