For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
