So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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