Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
