It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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