Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.