I CAN MOONWALK!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
