FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
