guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
