He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
