i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
