Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
